That’s the Thing You Don’t

“That’s the thing you don’t…”

I’ve said that sentence more times in the past few years than I ever expected. Usually to someone younger. Bright. Ambitious. Slightly overwhelmed. Sometimes I’m saying it out loud. Sometimes I’m thinking it quietly as they explain their five-year plan with absolute certainty. Because that’s the thing you don’t understand at 25. Or even 35.

Life isn’t going to look the way you mapped it out. And that’s not failure. That’s unfolding.

If I could sit across from my younger self the driven one, the anxious one, the one who believed if she just tried hard enough she could engineer the perfect outcome I wouldn’t give her a step-by-step playbook. I’d give her perspective. I’d give her guardrails. I’d give her fewer instructions and more truth.

So let’s have that conversation.

That’s the Thing You Don’t Know: Life Won’t Follow Your Timeline

You have a plan.

A promotion by 30.
Marriage by 32.
Financial security by 40.
Confidence immediately.

It feels responsible. Strategic. Mature. It’s also incomplete. Here’s the truth: the most meaningful parts of your life will not arrive on schedule. They will arrive through detours. Through jobs you didn’t expect to take. Through conversations you didn’t anticipate. Through losses you never would have volunteered for.

That’s the thing you don’t know yet.

You can plan direction. You cannot plan sequence. When I look back, the turning points in my life were rarely the ones I forecasted. They were the ones that disrupted me. A role that didn’t work out. A relationship that ended. A risk that looked irrational at the time. We confuse predictability with safety. But growth rarely comes from predictability. In psychology, there’s a concept called cognitive dissonance the discomfort we feel when reality clashes with our expectations. That discomfort isn’t a signal that life is broken. It’s often a signal that we’re expanding.

Actionable Reset: Shift From Control to Intention

Instead of gripping outcomes, try this:

Old Approach	New Approach
“By 35, I must…”	“I am building toward…”
“This must work.”	“I will give this my best effort.”
“If this fails, I fail.”	“If this fails, I learn.”

The shift is subtle. But it’s powerful. The goal is not to drift. It’s to move with intention while releasing obsession over timing. That’s the thing you don’t realize early enough: attachment to a specific outcome often blinds you to better ones.

That’s the Thing You Don’t Realize: You Were Never Meant to Dim Your Light

At some point, you will enter a room where you feel too much.

Too opinionated.
Too ambitious.
Too visible.

And you will consider shrinking. Maybe someone cuts you off mid-sentence. Maybe a colleague subtly dismisses your idea. Maybe a superior feels threatened and labels your confidence as arrogance. That’s the thing you don’t see in the moment: when someone tries to dim your light, it usually says more about their fear than your worth. Playing small doesn’t create harmony. It creates resentment. You start adjusting your tone. Reducing your enthusiasm. Softening your insight. Over time, you forget how brightly you were meant to show up. And here’s the cost it doesn’t just affect you. It affects everyone who needed to see what full expression looks like.

Practical Framework: Stay Visible Without Being Combative

You don’t need to overpower a room. You need to anchor yourself in it.

Try this when challenged:

• Pause before reacting. Silence is strength.
• Restate your idea clearly. “Let me clarify what I meant…”
• Invite collaboration. “How can we build on this?”

Confidence doesn’t have to be loud. But it should be steady. That’s the thing you don’t understand until later: standing fully in your presence gives others permission to do the same.

That’s the Thing You Don’t Say: Silence Is Not Neutral

Avoidance feels easier in the short term.

You don’t give the feedback.
You don’t set the boundary.
You don’t respond to the message.
You ghost.

You tell yourself it’s kindness. Or conflict avoidance. Or emotional self-protection. But silence accumulates interest. Unspoken resentment compounds. Misunderstanding multiplies.
Distance widens. That’s the thing you don’t account for: clarity is kinder than disappearance. Owning up quickly when you make a mistake is one of the fastest ways to build credibility. Not erode it. I’ve seen professionals stall careers because they refused to admit error. I’ve seen relationships dissolve over issues that could have been resolved with one uncomfortable conversation.

A Clean-Slate Communication Rule

When something feels off, use this structure:

1. State the fact.
   “When the report was submitted late…”
2. State the impact.
   “It affected the team’s deadline.”
3. State your ownership or request.
   “I should have clarified expectations earlier.”
   Or, “Next time, can we align on timing in advance?”

Direct. Respectful. Clear. That’s the thing you don’t appreciate early enough: integrity compounds faster than talent.

That’s the Thing You Don’t Control: Outcomes

You can prepare.
You can show up.
You can try relentlessly.

You cannot control results.

You cannot control how others perceive you.
You cannot control the market.
You cannot control timing.

And yet, so much of early adulthood is spent trying to manage the uncontrollable. It’s exhausting. Research from the U.S. National Institute of Mental Health explains how chronic stress impacts decision-making and emotional regulation . When we obsess over outcomes we can’t influence, stress compounds unnecessarily. My mother once told me, “Don’t worry about the small stuff. And be more patient. Things usually work out.”

At 25, that felt simplistic. At 45, it feels profound.

What You Actually Control

• Your attitude.
• Your response.
• Your effort.
• Your consistency.
• Your standards.

That’s it.

When you focus on these, anxiety reduces. Energy sharpens. Decision-making improves.

Professionally, this means:

• Do excellent work.
• Communicate clearly.
• Maintain integrity.
• Adapt when necessary.

Personally, it means:

• Choose your reactions carefully.
• Refuse to catastrophize.
• Practice patience.

That’s the thing you don’t grasp until life humbles you: peace comes from managing your response, not manipulating reality.

That’s the Thing You Don’t See: Other People Aren’t Your Competition

Especially other women. There’s a subtle, unspoken tension that can creep into professional environments. Comparison. Insecurity. Scarcity. If she gets the opportunity, does that mean I won’t? If he shines, does that reduce my brightness? That’s the thing you don’t recognize at first: success is not a fixed pie.

When you clip someone else’s wings, you limit your own altitude. Supporting others builds networks. It builds trust. It builds influence.

And influence is far more powerful than solitary success.

Build an Abundance Practice

• Publicly credit collaborators.
• Advocate for someone not in the room.
• Mentor without keeping score.
• Celebrate others’ milestones.

This isn’t charity. It’s strategy. Because the strongest professionals are rarely isolated. They’re interconnected. That’s the thing you don’t fully appreciate until later: legacy is relational.

That’s the Thing You Don’t Prioritize: Self-Love Is Foundational

Self-love is not indulgence. It is alignment. It’s knowing what you value and refusing to compromise it for temporary validation. It’s choosing environments that energize you rather than deplete you. It’s recognizing when your negative self-talk has started sounding like someone else’s criticism. Without self-respect, boundaries dissolve. Standards weaken. Relationships skew. You cannot sustainably love others from a place of self-rejection.

Build a Self-Alignment Audit

Once a month, ask:

• Where am I shrinking?
• Where am I overextending?
• Who energizes me?
• Who drains me?
• What standard have I lowered recently?

Surround yourself with people who make you laugh. And think. The combination matters. That’s the thing you don’t prioritize soon enough: your environment shapes your trajectory.

That’s the Thing You Don’t Expect: Growth Is Messy

You will mess up.

You will misjudge someone.
You will choose wrong at least once.
You will speak too quickly.
You will stay too long.

Good.

Mistakes are data. If you own them.

The fastest way to recover from error is simple:

• Admit it.
• Correct it.
• Learn from it.
• Move forward.

Dragging it out creates more damage than the mistake itself. And reinvention? That’s normal too. You might change careers. You might redefine your priorities. You might discover strengths you never planned for. That’s the thing you don’t anticipate: your identity is not static. It evolves.

That’s the Thing You Don’t Understand Yet: It’s All Connected

At 25, everything feels urgent. Every decision feels permanent. At 50, you see the thread. The job that didn’t work out led to a better one. The heartbreak deepened your empathy. The setback sharpened your resilience. None of it was random. Life isn’t meant to be forced into shape. It’s meant to unfold.

You still educate yourself. You still strive. You still pursue excellence. But you stop trying to choreograph every twist. You surrender the illusion of total control while maintaining responsibility for your response. That’s maturity.

Finish the Sentence

“That’s the thing you don’t…”

…know yet.
…control.
…see clearly.
…prioritize.
…say out loud.
…expect.

But you will.

And maybe the most important thing you don’t understand yet is this:

Everything will be okay. Not perfect. Not painless. Not predictable. But okay. So if I could sit across from my younger self or from you I wouldn’t try to save you from every mistake. I wouldn’t erase every hardship. I wouldn’t rewrite your timeline. I’d just lean in and say:

Relax your grip.
Stand in your light.
Speak clearly.
Support others.
Own your missteps.
Focus on your attitude.
Be patient.

Life isn’t like you thought it’d be. That’s the thing you don’t realize yet. And that’s exactly why it becomes more meaningful than you ever imagined.

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